All I Need Is Your Bank Account Number, Sort Code, First Ever Phone Number, Cat's Mother's Maiden Name And How Many Fingers I'm Holding Up

On average I have to psyche myself up for 30 minutes in a dark room and listen to classical music whilst tracing zen lines in a sand pit before I call the bank in Dubai. This is a minimum requirement as set out by the universal law governing spontaneous human combustion.

I love marketing slogans for banks. They're always so gloriously pompous: "there for you" or "the things we do for dreams" for a full list, have a scan through this ( http://thefinancialbrand.com/1779/financial-slogans/ ). Millions, perhaps billions of dollars hurled at marketing companies to make the purpose of holding on to your money and charging you extortionate rates for doing anything with it - seem like a noble enterprise. If I was king all banks would have to advertise under the same tag line:  "Frivolously squandering your children's future".

I only really have experience of dealing with one bank in Dubai, so I'm not sure if it's the same for all of them - but from conversations with people on the topic - I think there are threads of commonality across the sector. In which case it's not fair to name the bank, so let's call them "eclipse" - which makes them sound like the shadowy cabal of Bond Villains I think they probably are.

So when I first opened my account with Eclipse, I received my debit card with instructions to call them and set up my PIN. Hmmm, unconventional - but we're in Dubai, a place that is no stranger to innovation. So using the Nokia starter kit phone that is a right of passage when you first arrive in Dubai, and forever will be twixt with your bank account - come rain or apocalypse whichever happens first - I called them up.

Conversation starts well; I explain my requirements, chap on the other end understands and goes over the steps. In a moment I will be passed through to an automated service that will enable me to select my PIN - after completion, I will be passed back to an operator who will make the final adjustments in the system and voila. A stress free, better than receiving a PIN in the non existent postal service, customer experience.

So after speaking with eclipse employee A, I'm transferred to... A noise that sounds suspiciously like a dial tone. I seem to have been inadvertently cut off. No huge drama, I'll just call back up. Hey, it's employee A again "listen mate, I think when you were trying to put me through to the automated service before, you accidentally... What automated service? The one for PIN activation.. But it was definitely you, same voice, same name.. Same wilful disregard for an easy life".

5 minutes later a fragile mutual entente is reached. I will once again be transferred to the automated PIN activation line and from there back to the consultant etc etc etc. *insert dial tone noise*.

You have to be joking, twice in a row? 3rd call takes place in a slightly less patient tone. "Listen buddy - I've been having a nightmare trying to set my PIN up" "oh you need the automated service, give me one moment, I'll put you through" "NOOOOOO".
*insert dial tone noise*.

Call number 4, the simmering rage faintly audible in my voice. Quick explanation about putting me through to the automated line and being cut of. The employee tells me "of course, the automated service is out of order at the moment sir"
"is it now? Well that explains a lot. How do we proceed in this case?"
"Let me just put you through to the automated service"
"DONT YOU F*CKING DA..."
*insert dial tone noise"

The shattered pieces of my patience assemble into just enough of a workable constitution to allow me to make the call again without hurling the phone in to orbit like superman dealing with his porn stash as the mother in law makes an unexpected visit. I'll skip the next 1 hour 20 minutes because this is already dragging on a bit. But eventually - in a process that's more error than trial, that could be expedited by replacing all the call centre agents with monkeys trying to rewrite Shakespeare's complete works on typewriter: we get there.

A rogue event perhaps? Unlucky? Bad day to choose a PIN? Apparently not - every single person I have spoken to that banks with eclipse went through the same thing.  I know what you're thinking.. If you don't like it - leave. I'll tell you what - if everybody left that didn't like one particular thing about somewhere - the f*cking world would be empty, we'd all be flakey negligent fickle quitters aboard a starship moaning about either the lack or presence of mushrooms in the mushroom pot noodles and in search of an impossible dream. I love this country. I do not love eclipse.