It’s not always easy to get in the holiday spirit when you
live in a big city, even more so if that city happens to be in a desert with an
ambient winter temperature equal to that of chestnuts being roasted on an open
fire. If you find yourself struggling to muster some mulled- mojo, here are a
few suggestions to help get you in the mood.
9. CHRISTMAS BRUNCH
Gluttony, is without question, the core sin of Christmas.
It’s more than a sin though, it’s a mandated right. Justified by promises
/delusions (depending on how good your follow through is) about shifting the
extra padding with a renewed commitment to the gym or running track in January.
And what better way to celebrate gluttony, than with a brunch? Santa did not
get to be his Rubenesque, plus-sized, ghetto-junk in his trunk, fabulous self
without going up for seconds in a buffet situation now did he? People that calorie count at Christmas, are
exactly the same stubborn so-and-sos that deliberately defy satellite
navigational systems, get lost, and then blame a pre-approved list of obviously
inconsequential variables. Most regular favourites put on a seasonal special
for the big day; Bubalicious, The Irish Village, The Rivington Grill – to
casually name drop a few. Remember: brunches at Christmas are even more fun
than regular brunches, because at Christmas there is always a chance you’ll get
one of those mini screwdriver sets in the crackers, the only tools in the known
universe that can be used to repair broken sunglasses. And the hats you get in
them are just straight up Kanye.
8. FAKE SNOW
Barring some pretty freak weather, and by freak I mean “hang
on, is this one of those things Nostradamus was talking about?” levels of WTF?
We are, alas, unlikely to be inundated with any of that magical iced watery
stuff that is so evocative of this holiday season.
Rubbing salt in to the distinctly iceless driveway, if you
have kids in the house, you will almost certainly be no stranger to the melodic
intonation: “do you wanna build a snowman?”. The correct Emirati response to
which is: “Of course I do Elsa, but just take a look outside, sand castle- no
problem, snow man – put down the eggnog love, you are tripping”. Solution: turn up the air con, and spray that snow-in-a-can-stuff
everywhere, spray it three-quarters of the way over every glass surface in your
house, spray it so much that the fumes take you away to a magical place,
inhabited by dancing snowmen and perennial winter, a place where your ice
conjuring prowess will be truly appreciated.
7. VISIT THE BIG MAN HIMSELF
No, not Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson. Although you can visit
him if you want to of course, I mean, if he is
your friend you can pretty much do or say whatever you wish without any fear of
reprisal. No I mean good old Father C. He spreads his time suspiciously well across
the various malls in the UAE (nay, the world), but there are also festive
markets, fairs, tree-lighting ceremonies, ginger bread houses and grottos set
up especially to celebrate the leisurely stroll towards the 25th
December. To name a casual few places you and the family’ll be able to stalk
him: Wafi Mall, the Souk Madinat, the JBR, the World Trade Centre and judging by
his natty beard and velour harem pants he looks like he might be a bit of a
hipster so you can probably also catch him at pop up cinema nights and vegan
burger vans throughout the rest of the year.
6. CHRISTMAS JUMPERS
Ahhhh Christmas jumpers. Think back to August, when the very
idea of pulling a thick sheet of wool onto your torso was as welcome as a
flashed headlight in your rear-view mirror when you’re on the fast lane of the
Sheikh Zayed Road and have nowhere to merge. We’ve come a long way haven’t we?
It’s important to note that Christmas jumpers are not a badge of consent, they're
an envoy of whimsy. The gift-empty side of a cracker pulled for elsesome
benefit. Wear them with pride –wear them like those disclaimers on the
barricades in front of construction sites down on the JBR Walk: please be
patient; you're working on enhancing the experience for everyone else.
5. TURKEY
Nothing gives your taste buds a bathe in tinselly nostalgia
like a few tranches of oven roasted gobble-gobble bird. A meat that's eaten
with earnest only once a year. Why? Well it’s a bit paltry for poultry isn’t
it? So dry; a minimum of 4 ladles of gravy are required for each mouthful; food
with the consistency and flavour of decaying tree bark, only our elderly uncle
tradition provides us with an occasion to fancy. The main benefit of it is that
it will happily feed a family of 10 for the initial meal, and then left over
cold-cut based snacks up until the end of Next November. So come all ye faithful, it’s time to toss
Tiny Tim that shiny silver sixpence and ask him to fetch you the biggest turkey
in the store. Or get it delivered.
4. DOING GOOD DEEDS
People say that the true meaning of Christmas has been lost
in commercialism: that using the word ‘Xmas’ or ‘holiday’ diminishes the
importance of the event and that corporate interest has hijacked one of the few
altruistic celebrations that exist in the modern calendar. You know what I say
to these people?
Where. Are. My. Freaking.
Presents? Stop wasting time whinging and living in a fantasy world, get shopping,
lest the economy implodes and we all start having to give terrible and
depressing homemade gifts to each other. I joke of course. Living in a large modern city, full of its
many and varied glittering lights, it’s very easy to be distracted from our
dutiful obligations to our fellow human. The holidays really are an excellent
time to remember those less fortunate than ourselves, and if you would like to
give something - whether it be time or money or whatever you can spare to an
excellent cause - the good news is there are so many ways to do it in the UAE. You
can seek out individual projects and organisations that have special meaning to
you, or for some inspiration head on down to www.volunteerindubai.com – and
spread a bit of charitable Joy this festive season.
3. BINGE WATCH CHRISTMAS MOVIES
Everyone has a favourite Christmas movie, everyone. Even the
Grinch, although granted the Grinch’s favourite Christmas movie is probably
‘The Grinch’. The Palm D’Or prize jury is still out as to whether the Die Hard
Movies qualify as Christmas flicks. My favourite Christmas movie is actually
‘Love Actually’ actually which is also a questionable entry to the category,
and I both passionately hate and love the 94 remake of ‘Miracle on 34th
Street’. It's difficult to passionately love and hate something at the same
time. The only human experience I can draw a parallel to is having gastric flu
and trying to spread your opposing chakras between toilet and sink bowls. But
it doesn’t matter. The subjectivity is what’s important. If it invokes within
you, the same cosy cringley joy as this whole list is supposed to, then isn't
that enough? And couldn’t that last sentence be directly edited out of the kind
of saccharine Schmultz we love about Christmas movies? Can we keep him ma? Can
we ? Huh Can we? I’ll look after him real good.
2. TURN YOUR HOME IN TO A GROTTO
Turn your home in to a grotto. I've never liked the word
grotto. It sounds like a word an Australian might give to a spoiled hankie. But
that being said - 90% of your Christmas spirit comes from the environment you
build for yourself. Outside ambient temperatures are non negotiable. Build your
own winter wonderland inside your very home. Kitsch is key, ask yourself "how
would the eponymous Elf, from the Will Ferrell Christmas movie classic, deck
these particular halls?" Then multiply it tenfold. You want so much
glitter and tinsel, that the collective reflective property is greater than the
Allen Telescope Array.
1. SKI DUBAI
There’s an old proverb about mountains not moving. And whilst in bygone years it was fair to
assume that we would probably have to make our own way to said mountain, rather
than expecting the mountain to come to us. Today we have the engineering
wizardry of the Majid Al Futtaim Group. An inside ski slope, complete with an
Alpine style cafe on ‘the cold side’, which serves fantastic hot chocolate; a
delicious shortcut to those inside warm fuzzies. The apres ski bar, perhaps
unsurprisingly called: ‘Apres’, has adult beverage varieties of winter warmers
and spectacular pizzas. And whilst pizzas aren’t Christmassy, they are pizzas,
and that’s all the pizza I need to pizza. It is a truly incredible thing that
we live in a desert that holds within it a shopping mall, which in turn plays
host to an inside ski resort, with a black run. If sitting in a cafe in front
of this man-made marvel, sipping from a mug chock-full of marshmallows,
standing up to begin a rousing Christmas carol medley, cannot shock and awe you
in to Holiday Cheer, then you, sir, are beyond the help of a simple list, you
need an immediate humbugectomy and to be visited by at least three of the
following ghosts: The Ghost of Christmas Past, The Ghost of Christmas Present, Banquo, and the Ghost of Christmas Future, now Sponsored by Expo 2020.
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