Five types of people you meet on the Dubai Metro

In Germany, it’s often said that you can set your watch by the efficiency of the train service. The same is pretty much true of Dubai’s own metro I think. If we use it every day, it’s easy to take for granted, but what can help make every journey special – is the people that share our commutes….

1. The guy that hasn’t prepared for his exit on the busy rush hour service.

That guy. Let’s all agree to try as hard as we can to not be ‘ That Guy’.  I am certain you will have no problem picturing the scene: The train is packed, etiquette – nay, 4 year old, single figure IQ logic – dictates that you edge closer to the exits, the closer you get to your stop. The one thing you don’t do is remain equidistant between 2 sets of doors in a crowded carriage until the moment the train pulls in to the station. The opening of the doors then sets in motion a series of events not too dissimilar to some of the more harrowing scenes from the hunger games. Human beings become fleshly lumps of obstacle and backpacks are things to be charged at, sending their owners spinning wildly out of control. With the seconds counting down till the doors finally close, the escape becomes more desperate – the elbows are deployed to a chorus of tuts and appalled onlookers. But with nanoseconds to spare, ‘that guy’ leaps like a sweaty salmon to freedom, with all but his dignity and common decency intact.

2.The People that fall asleep on strangers

There is something about public transport, maybe it’s the slow rhythmic motions of the carriage – maybe it’s that disconnect from sitting down and taking a load off, but there is something that sends certain people into an inescapable collision course with drooping eyelids. There are inherent problems with nodding off on the metro; not having a suitable pillow substitute for one– your head will normally act as a stranger’s shoulder seeking missile and there it will remain until you’re violently jolted out of slumber from cornering at high speed or your new travel cushion getting up because it’s their stop. I guess it happens to the best of us if we’re really that tired. It’s important to remember however that best of us don’t dribble in their sleep.

3. Confused Tourists.

You know the ones, you can spot them – staring at the metro-map, checking it against the guide book, dressed in either entirely inappropriate beach attire or long flowing gowns because they’ve been told before they left, by some idiot friend on Facebook, that you can’t show ankle anywhere in Dubai outside of your hotel room. Well I guess we can forgive them. The massive tally of 2 different coloured lines can be perplexing. And after all the station announcements that are repeated twice in 2 different languages are only absolutely clear and in no way ambiguous. The station announcements that reassure us that the train to Rashidiya is in fact arriving on the Rashidiya platform, phew, sigh of relief.  If I were the announcer, I’d probably mix it up a bit just to brighten my own day, ‘The train to Inverness will shortly be arriving in to platform 4, all passengers for Damac Properties, please proceed to the front two carriages and Change in Berlin’. But then again I am neither responsible nor a pre-recorded message, so you’re all safe. For now. The one doubt I will give them benefit for is the look of abject terror, after one of the stations has recently changed it’s name and the announcement doesn’t match up to the map. Funny to watch though isn’t it?

4. People in Training For The Staring Olympics

I don’t mind people staring at me, I have an impenetrable sense of self-belief that makes me think that people staring at me are simply making mental notes on what they can do to try and achieve the same level of awesome as I am, at any given moment, exuding in abundance. This is only partly true, but I do genuinely have sympathy for the staring squad. Staring is a method of observance, observance is all about learning and learning should, in general, be encouraged. And because Dubai is blessed with such a rich diversity of cultures and individuals – there is a lot to observe. Looking at my Nol card – always reminds me of how lucky I am to be in a place that reflects what a magnificent and varied wonder the Global community really is. Starers of Dubai – you’re OK in my carriage.

5. Shoppers

We love our malls in Dubai don’t we – huge glittering tributes to super cool shops full of stuff. That I want now. No matter the crippling financial implications. There is more square foot of Mall in Dubai, than there is of canal in Venice .  Confession time, this is entirely un-fact-checked but I feel like it’s a safe bet. Using the philosophy of the movie ‘Field of Dreams’ – which is an entirely sound foundation to construct any engineering project on: ‘If you build it, they will come’, and they do, in vast hordes. I have been on trains where the shopping bag to human ratio is so wildly inconceivable the only way of describing it to someone else is by dropping a marble on to Jumeriah beach, pointing at the marble and repeatedly screaming  “LOOK AT IT”. Slight exaggeration, but as we have already established, facts in this article are largely irrelevant. The people getting on at the stations that serve the malls always have the same look, that look of pure unadulterated happiness that comes from holding bags full of new gadgets and clothes, such a wonderful feeling that even the voice at the back of your head calling you an extravagant dandy cannot dampen.

Please let us know about any other types of fellow passenger you have a fondness or curiosity for. And keep a look out for me, I’ll be the one doing lunges in preparation for the 200 meter stare in Rio.